There are exactly two ways to spend a Fourth of July Weekend.
Way 1: You honor America's 44 presidents by learning a bunch of random presidential trivia!
Way 2: You drink 44 beers* in three days... while learning a bunch of random presidential trivia!
Since you're a flag-flying American and are 100,000% going with Way 2, we figured why not drink those 44 beers* in three days while playing Kit's Fourth of July Weekend Drinking Game of Learning and Also Fun?? Exshacktly.
To the Bat Tutorial, Alfred!
First Things First: Buy Yourself 44 Beers*, and Find Pictures of All 43 Presidents
Bonus points if those pictures are totally amazing cartoon drawings of all 43 presidents from Sarah at TotallySevere.com. Cut out the pictures with your replica Crocodile Dundee knife and then packing tape one president pic to each beer.
*****Now, About Those Asterisks*****
While you'll have 44 beers to start, you won't actually drink 44 beers over the three-day weekend (#responsible). That's because there are FIVE drinking exceptions when it comes to the Fourth of July Weekend Drinking Game of Learning and Also Fun, including:
If the president was single while in office (JAMES BUCHANAN YOU DOG, YOU), drink the beer, then swipe right on the first 5 people you pull up on Tinder.
If the president was impeached while in office (Bill Clinton/Andrew Johnson), put the beer in your pants. Do NOT drink it.
If el presidente was assassinated/died in office (W. H. Harrison, Zach Taylor, Honest Abe, Garfield, McKinley, Warren G, JFK, FDR), pour out the beer for your presidential homie. (Note: If Andy just happens to be lying underneath the stream of crisp golden lager while you pour it, that's OK. I guess.) (Second Note: Try to do a better sad face than Niq.)
"Whoa whoa whoa, you said buy 44 beers and print out pics of all 43 presidents -- how's that math work?" Billy from Double Dragon asked. "Well Billy," Jimmy from Double Dragon responded, "there are actually only 43 presidents, but 44 presidencies because Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms, so he counts as both the 22nd AND 24th president." "Ahhhh, so in this case we'd drink two beers for Grover?" "You bet your ass we will."
If the president was previously a vice president and assumed office NOT because the former president up and died (Nixon, John Adams, George H Dub-ya Bush, Van Buren, Tommy Jefferson), give your beer to your VP, who you will choose riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight NOW.
In the words of Abraham "No Middle Name" Lincoln:
"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed at 44-beer drinking games is more important than any other. Also: that Double Dragon joke was hilarious, guys."
*****The Final Asterisk*****
Don't be a John Wilkes Boozer. Drink responsibly, errbody.