Friday At Five - Chubbies Shorts

Here's A 'Frozen' Dad Theory That Will Blow Your Dad Mind, Dads

By: Grant Marek
Illustration by Andy Andersen - Chubbies Friday At Five Illustration by Andy Andersen

Welcome to our brand new ChubDad Corner. If you're a dad, 1) Internet-five, and 2) this little corner of our weekend fun-having shenanigans is entirely written by dads for dads. If you're not a dad, feel free to carry on to other important stuff like Blacklight Slides. Or hell, hang out, have a dad Bud with us, and read about Frozen.

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I have two kids, both girls, both awesome, mostly because I've convinced them to like the same things I like (so, Ninja Turtles, In-N-Out, and drinks served in pineapples).

Unfortunately (for me) they like other stuff, too, like intricate hairdos (Daughter: "Daddy, I want two braids." Me: "How about a janky ponytail?"), American Girl Dolls, and Frozen.

Now to be clear, I actually don't dislike Frozen.

It's got catchy enough songs (do you wanna build a snoooooooowman?), there's a dope snow monster, and (super spoiler alert) NO ONE sees the Hans twist coming.

What I do dislike is watching Frozen 50 bagillionzillion times.

Or at least... I did until last week.

Because last week, following a Sing-a-Long Frozen + Regular Frozen double feature that I mostly spent playing on Imgur/napping, the most incredible thing dawned on me:

Frozen is just Star Wars with a female lead.

And I know what you're probably thinking: "Of course it is, both follow the monomyth -- or 'hero's journey' -- a common template of a broad category of tales that involve a hero who goes on an adventure, and in a decisive crisis achieves victory and comes home changed or transformed."

And sure, at first I thought the exact same thing (duh, who wouldn't?), but this goes way wayyyyyyy deeper than a comparative mythology device. Alright, let's talk characters:

Luke = Elsa

Both have 1) magical powers, 2) super great hair, and 3) a secret they can't tell their sibling about (i.e. "Darth is our dad!!!" and "I have ice powers that you used to know about until a troll king erased your memories!!!" Also: they're really into wearing gloves to hide stuff (cut off hands, magical ice-shooting fingers). Also ALSO: Nice shirt collar, guys.

LukeElsa.jpg

Photos via © Lucasfilm LTD; Disney

Leia = Anna

LOOK AT THEIR HAIR! (Oh, and the fact that they both don't have the same awesome powers their sibling does.)

LeiaAnna.jpg

Photos via © Lucasfilm LTD; Disney

C-3PO + R2D2 = Olaf

Besides the fact that he's short and white (R2!), Olaf is super naive (C-3PO), and is either constantly losing his body parts and having them reattached (C-3PO) or using them to open stuff (R2D2). They also all love summer. Like, a lot.

c3poR2Olaf.jpg

Photos via © Lucasfilm LTD; Disney

Han Solo = Kristoff

And not just because they both have hairy sidekicks. OK, OK, fine, mostly just because of that. (And the whole stubborn hero who marries the protaganist's sister thing.)

Chewbacca = Sven

Brrrrrrrwwwwhhhhhaaaaaargh.

hankristoff.jpg

Photos via © Lucasfilm LTD; Disney

Darth Vader = Bad Guy Hans

K, this one is maybe a stretch (fine, definitely a stretch), but both wear capes/capelets (#IMPORTANT), both seem good at first (Episode I Darth Vader was just a cute little kid!) but then turn out to be super not-good, and Hans almost kills Elsa, just like Vader almost kills Luke.

darthhans.jpg

Photos via © Lucasfilm LTD; Disney

Jabba's Rancor = Marshmallow the Giant Snow Monster

Ohmygod is that the exact same monster??

rancormarshmallow.jpg

Photos via © Lucasfilm LTD; Disney

There are a bunch of other pretty compelling ones (The Emperor = The Duke of Weselton, Ewoks = Trolls, Stormtroopers = White Wolves Chasing Kristoff and Anna in the Sled, etc.), there's tons of storyline stuff too, some of which I've detailed above but also stuff like Luke's (step-)parents and Elsa's parents both dying early on. And then there are the eerily similar quotes:

"Fear will be your enemy." -- Super Old Troll in Frozen

"Fear is the path to the dark side." Yoda in Star Wars

Look, maybe I'm delirious from the latest Frozen marathon, maybe I just WANT them to be linked because it's more fun that way, and maybe this is all just a total stretch (Frozen was actually inspired by a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale written 133 years before Star Wars, so maybe... Star Wars is just Frozen with a male lead?!?!?!?), but either way, watching Frozen this weekend for the bagillionzillion-and-one-th time isn't going to suck nearly as much since now you'll kinda just be watching Star Wars. And isn't that what's important?

Join me next week when I make the case that Lion King is the embodiment of American foreign policy during World War II.