It seems like only yesterday Season 5 of Game of Thrones ended. Wait no, that was literally HUNDREDS OF DAYS AGO. With so many characters, houses, and sex scenes, it's hard to remember where the story left off, and even harder to predict what will happen next going into this weekend's Season 6 premiere.
Thankfully, we read every single one of the interwebs' bonkers fan theories and picked out the dopest ones for nine major characters, all of which'll make you question everything you thought you knew. (Unless you already thought Hodor was a God, in which case YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DESERVE THE IRON THRONE.)
Jon Snow isn't dead, and also, he's the Uncle of Dragons
This is the basic bitch of fan theories. "R+L=J" is leet-speak shorthand for the idea that headless Ned Stark isn't Jon's dad -- Jon is actually the bastard of Rhaegar Targaryen and Ned's sister Lyanna. That would mean he has both ice and dragon blood, making him the ultimate pivot point between the White Walkers and Khaleesi's fire-breathing pets.
In terms of that whole seeing-him-get-stabbed-100-times thing, there's a contingent of true believers who think that sometime between stab one and 100 he warged into his dire wolf. And another group that believes the Blood Witch will work her ginger magic and revive him, which -- article spoiler alert! -- we'll explain later.
Why we want it to be true: Jon's the moral center of the show, and also super handsome.
Arya is a pawn of the White Walkers
Teenage runaway Arya Stark, deprived of her sight for killing a pedophile, is in deep shit. Like most death cults, the one she joined isn't quite as easy-going as she'd hoped. In the books there's an implication that the Faceless Men might have a dragon egg that they stole using their Faceless skills. Since they believe "All Men Must Die", it follows that they'd use that dragon to melt The Wall and let the White Walkers freeze everyone's faces off.
Why we want it to be true: Because it explains the Faceless Men.
Hodor is the God of Winter
Hodor was noticeably absent in the last season, and it's probably because he was busy taking care of GOD STUFF. In Norse mythology, Hoor (with squiggly lines over both o's) is the God of Winter. So Andre the Giant Jr. has been trying to explain his God-like status the entire time, but no one would listen because of prejudices against huge people.
Etymology aside, the reasoning behind this theory has to do with the legend of a stable boy entering the crypts underneath Winterfell, then emerging transformed into a one-word wonder. It's been theorized that Winterfell was actually built to contain the Great Other, the icy equivalent of the Lord of Light. So as the theory goes, young Hodor accidentally meets this Great Other under Winterfell, and the Great Other takes over his body. No one is supposed to utter the Great Other's name (hat tip to JK Rowling), but that doesn't bother Hodor because obviously there's no rule against saying your own name.
Why we want it to be true: Because, Hodor.
Daenerys will go crazy just like her Dad
Daenerys, aka Khaleesi, aka Dragon Baby Momma, aka the daughter of the Mad King, has pulled off some of the craziest coups in a series known for crazy coups. It's not too far-fetched that her insane confidence is actually just insanity, especially when considering her family's history of flying the cuckoo's nest, and that her last chapter in the books is full of hallucinations.
Why we want it to be true: Because a crazy person who controls dragons is tight.
Tyrion is actually a Targaryen
Tyrion's always been treated like a bastard by his now-dead dad Tywin and it's entirely possible that's because the Imp is the spawn of the Mad King.
This theory relies largely on references from the books, but it means that Tyrion might ride a dragon so bear with us. Before Tyrion was born, his Dad was the Hand to the Mad King Targaryen. There'ew lines in the book that could lead one to infer that the Mad King might've taken sex stuff liberties with Tyrion's Mom. Plus, there's prophecy that "the dragon has three heads", meaning there's three Targaryens lurking in Westeros. Boomshakalaka.
Why we want it to be true: Because it means he'll ride a dragon.
Little Finger is going to win The Game of Thrones
Little Finger is the richest homeless man in the seven kingdoms, which is to say, he's without a house. This lack of familial ties has allowed him to betray almost everyone, climbing the ladder of chaos without the burden of allegiance and playing family prejudices against each other. He's his own master, and the only way to rule the Seven Kingdoms is by circumventing the realm's overly complicated history and f**king with absolutely everyone.
Why we want it to be true: Because he's the ultimate underdog
The White Walkers built the wall
Commonly accepted lore is that after the White Walkers first appeared millenias ago, humans went all Trump 2016 and built The Wall to protect them from frost-bitten zombies. But get this -- what if that magical ice wall was actually built by the magical ice creatures to keep the mouth-breathing humans off their turf?
Doesn't sound all that far-fetched, and it actually gives motive to an army of otherwise abominable snowmen.
Why we want it to be true: Because it'd be cool if the White Walkers weren't the real villains
Bran is a time traveller
Remember Season One, Episode One? When Bran caught Jamie sexing his sister? Then Jamie pushed him out the window? We forgot about that, too, because it was LITERALLY YEARS AGO. But according to the Bran Is A Time Traveller theory, this occurred because Bran actually warged into Jamie in order to push himself out the window in order to set in motion an alternate timeline where Future Paralyzed Bran is able to destroy the White Walkers.
It's totally bonkers, but Bran can already change into animals and see the future and understand Hodor and influence the past (he spoke to Ned that one time through a weirwood tree). So maybe in addition to all those powers, he can both time travel and sacrifice his legs for the greater good. That theory begs more questions than Alex Trebek (we'll take excellent metaphors for 1000!), so don't think too hard on it.
Why we want it to be true: Because time travel.
Melisandre burned Shireen to save Jon Snow
Only death can pay for life, says just about everyone in the realm who believes in blood magic. When Melisandre convinced Stannis to burn his daughter at the stake, she could've been putting that royal blood in her back pocket in order to pay for the life of Jon Snow, a potential champion of the Lord of Light.
Why we want it to be true: Because that little girl can't have died for nothing!
Dan Gentile once met Hodor, which means he's shaken the hand of God. Follow him to gigantic tweets at @Dannosphere.